knitternun

Monday, December 26, 2005

Validation

I struggle a lot with validation. I didn't get much while growing up. Often when I did, looking back now, I didn't recognize it. In recent months though as I explored the possibility of a transtion from a monasticesque life style to that as a canonically recognized monastic, I have been experiencing more validation than I ever received in my life, from my clergy, spiritual director, bishop and from friends and acquaintances.

It is in experiencing this that i discovered a great big lie I had been believing, that I didn't need validation, that I had accustomed myself to living without it and seeking only my own or the Lord's and to heck with anyone else's.

I see now that I have been almost desperate for validation and often intemperate in my choice of words when I felt I was being invalidated. I also recognize that there are those who no matter what, will probably never validate me. It is surprising to me actually that there are so many men and women of strong personalities who react so negatively to mine when I quite enjoy opinionated people myself. I digress.

The point I need to make, is that in recognizing that there are those who won’t be sources of validation for me frees me from the need to be seeking it from them. Or to put it another way, I can stop repeating the relationship I had with my father who seldom had a kind word for me.

The other point I need to make is that only by screwing up most royally high wide and wonderful do I learn. It's not a particularly comfortable process, but there we are. It would appear that God doesn't want my successes or my strengths but my weaknesses and faults. And if that is what God wants from me then I need to be continue to be tolerant of the weaknesses and faults of others. And offer a whole lot more validation.

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