Some thoughts on Forgiveness

Someone wrote on an email list:

>With both of these people, I've had
> forgiveness issues. Is it a matter of simply asking
> God to forgive them in your prayers, or is there more
> that needs to be done on the offended person's part if
> the other party is completely without remorse? I find
> it very difficult to forgive either one of these
> mean-spirited people, even though I need to. Any ideas
> on how to get past this?

I believe it is God's will that there be healing in relationships.
One reason, I daresay for the BCP to include "reconciliation of a
Penitent". I've done this service with someone with whom I had been at outs and it was healing for both of us.

That said, I have certainly been involved in difficult relationships
where this sort of thing was not possible. Death, distance or lack of
desire on the part of the other person have been the main reasons.
However, I have not seen that any of these serve as barriers to
prevent me from seeking the Lord and seeking as much healing as is
possible.

On the subject of forgiveness especially, I think we Christians need
to think this through. Our forgiveness of another person must not be
contingent on the other person's desire for it. I believe the
Biblical principle is that we are to forgive. Period. End of
sentence. Rather like the 10 Commandments. There they are, plain,
bald statements with no equivocation or qualifiers. Just "do not".
"Forgive", says Jesus, " 70 x 70."

Damn hard to do? Oh, yes. I struggle with it. But I have come to
believe it is one of those spiritual principles that are vital for our
own healths. A transformation of from what we thought impossible into
something of God's that defies description.

I have come a very long way in my struggle with depression. Never far
enough to suit some people, but nonetheless, there has been major
progress. I am convinced that a major part of it has been to
disentangle myself from the expectations that those who have most
harmed me are ever going to face up to the harm they have done and
seek to assuage the harm. I have come to realize that my process of
forgiveness of them and their process of facing up to what they have
done are 2 unrelated processes. I believe it no longer matters what
they do or not do because that's their business, not mine. My
business is to forgive.

It is more than letting go and moving one. My own personal
experience of letting go and moving on has been more an attitude of
"ok, I'll take the high road here" which for me has been a form of
arrogance. Just letting go and moving on doesn't resolve anything for
me, brings me no closure but only a feeling of superiority which I
don't deserve. But doing the work of forgiveness, regardless of what
the other person is doing, that does resolve and bring closure. Not to
mention some doses of humility which may not always be welcome!!

I also find it has to be a private thing between God and me. It so
far has not done any good whatsoever to say to another person who has not asked for forgiveness "I forgive you for the harm you have done me" because when I have done
so, it has only sparked more of the same from the other person. I do
not understand this. I guess I think a Christian would want to be
forgiven any harm they have done another. But perhaps that person thinks no harm has been done becaise of their conviction that they were right. Perhaps we are so set
on a need to be right, we don't care about the costs. Maybe it sounds
too prideful to tell another they are forgiven when they haven't asked
for it. I dunno. On the other hand, I have asked forgiveness from a
lot of people and it is astonishing to me sometimes the lengths people
go to to avoid saying "Yes, I forgive you." Seems to be very hard for
people to say. But again, whatever it is that prevents us from saying
it, I think we need to learn to deal with it and learn to say those
words. If only because our Lord tells us to.

God knows I have a huge desire to be right. I have plowed over other
people many times to assuage some drive to be right at all costs,
regardless of any hurt or harm I may do. Of course, that has its
origins in being told non-stop from birth on that I have done wrong
and never done good in my family, from the colic I had as an infant to
embracing a life dedicated to the Lord. My parents loved me. They
did the best they could and victims of abuse themselves, it is
probably not their faults that their best was really quite terrible.
My father had Borderline Personality Disorder and he was addicted to
gambling, Mom has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and over the last
10 years developed serious anti-social tendencies. Looking over mom's
Christmas cards at her invitation, I see that many people responded with saying, "I am so glad that Gloriamarie was such an enormous help to you after your
heart attack." It was the first I knew that she was grateful.

I have learned that I have to give over my need to thought right in
the eyes of people and cling to doing what God wants me to do and
doping ti within established Episcopalian parameters when applicable.

But forgiving people regardless of whether they ask for it or
recognize they need it, that is my work, my business and something I
believe we all need to do if we are to be right with God. Who knows
what happens when we do? As Aslan tells Lucy, he tells no person any
story but their own. Which says to me a great deal about minding my
own business and trusting God.

And on those subjects, the best I can say for myself, which may not be
very good, is that I am in process about them.