God, I read a lot

God, I read a lot.
You know it.
I know it.
Everyone who comes into my home knows it.
Probably strangers on the street know it.

I read and read and read
seeking the secret,
the thing I've never learned:
that I am loved;
how to be loved;
that I deserve love.

More than anything
to know I am worthy,
that love is for me:
this I long to know.
For this I cry out.
But where is love?

There is no love but Yours.
There is no lover but You.
I know in my head.
all my reading tells me so
that You love me
but I do not know it in my heart.
I do not know in my feelings.
I do not know it in my heart.
I only know it in my head.

It's not good enough, God
not any more and maybe never was.
So many have shut me out, turned me away
rejected me and shunned me.
The good I do is not remembered,
only the bad.
There is no credit for the right,
merely harsh words for the wrong.

Where is hope but in You?
But where is hope?
Where is love but in You?
But where is Your love?
Where is peace but in You?
But where is contentment?

What are you doing, God?
Don't You want me to feel your love?
Don't you want me to know your love?
Don't you want me to rest in your arms
sighing with joy?

Is this what you ask of me?
To be a witness to You
in whom I believe with
all that I have, am and ever will be
without feeling Your love?

Is this what you ask of me?
To love and serve others
even thought they despise me?
To continue to love them
because you have placed love for them
in my small frozen heart
which does not know it is loved?

Will love for those who don't
love me
open me, my heart, my soul
to know beyond all doubt
that you love me?

If so this is a hard road, God,
bewildering, confusing.
This road loses me
time and again as I
search for the signs that
You love me.