Ember day Report, June, 2006, belatedly
Belated Ember Day Report for June, 2006
Every time I start to think about what I am going to say in one of these Ember Day reports, I go through this process, which is getting very old to me now. In fact I am beginning to wonder if it is the work of the enemy, not that I am an Episcopalian who is at all comfortable with the language that says evil is personified and would be interested in a nobody such as I.
The dynamic I struggle with is that in these Ember Day reports, I want to present myself as a finished product, that being a nun “took” and stuck like glue. It is really ridiculous because I have to work through these feelings, if not temptations, to arrive at the same place over and over. I am a novice. By definition, the novitiate is a time of discernment. By definition, when (or would it be more modest to say if?) I make first vows, that period of time is also a time of discernment. And if we all get to the place where I make life vows, it seems to me by definition, that even then it is still a time of discernment. In other words, if we take our Christians walk/talk seriously, it is always going to be discernment. Or, as the Desert Christians would express it “After a lifetime in the cell, I am beginning to be a monk.” So, it’s like, DUH!, dude!! Like every other aspect of the Christian life, being a nun is a journey, a process and none of us will ever see the finished product this side of Heaven.
Another thing that threw me off starting this report in a more timely fashion was General Convention. Since both Bishop and rector were going to be there, I figured they had enough on their plates without my Ember Day report. Unfortunately, I paid some attention to GC06 and my peace was compromised. Along with my ability to pray, read Scripture etc. Instead I wept a lot. In fact, the first Sunday of GC, I found myself weeping off and on through the entire service over one question “Is this the last Sunday I will pray these words, confess my faith and worship the Lord in the Episcopal Church I have known or as part of the Anglican Communion.” Subsequent events proved that, yes, that was the last Sunday of TEC as I have known it for by the following Sunday, dioceses were asking for alternative, non-Episcopalian oversight.
Today my attitude is “I don’t know what’s going on in the wider Communion, despite being connected via the Internet.” The reason I don’t know is because I have stopped paying attention as I can’t see how following the current events will help me live my Rule. More like the opposite. But I daresay someone has to mourn and while I have reached acceptance, I do grieve for my denomination.
In the past, I have mentioned Fellowship Charitos www.fellowshipcharitos.com which is a para-church organization to assist the independent religious with their unusual vocations. On the e-mail list, I posted about my difficulties in prayer over GC and one of us wrote something I would like to share here:
“The first thing however is the obvious. Tears are a gift.
They are a sign of the direct operation of the Holy Spirit
on your soul.
“Now it may be that you think that this usually means
tears - for example - on reading about the crucifixion, or on
hearing a gospel in which a desperate woman pleads with
Our Lord (Help me, Sir!) But it is equally valid as a gift of
compassion and utter self giving for the body of Christ.
In this case it has not a great deal to do with the rights
and wrongs of the debate, but of the perilous state
of the Church's soul in terms of its love and forgiveness.
See how we love one another, whether we fear for the
spiritual state of those on this side or another.
“So oddly enough the first step in such a disturbing
moment is to cry out 'thank you'.
“It is also the second step, in this case, thank you for
the gift of suffering which you have chosen me to bear.”
Another factor that contributed to my delay in starting this was the issue of accountability. I have spoken about this to Christie Fleming, my spiritual director, but I feel no sense of resolution. Rather, I found myself wondering if the people who have agreed to hold me accountable aren’t maybe falling down on that particular job. And then I wonder, what exactly were your expectations, Gloriamarie, and were they sufficiently communicated, because after all, you are writing to some very busy people with demanding jobs? For instance, none of the people who receive my Ember Day reports comment on them in any detail, except Christie. I realize, I had expected comment, guidance, suggestions as a result of my Ember Day letters. Was that an unrealistic expectation, Bishop Mathes, Fr. Mike, Fr. Jim, Mother Gwynn?
Maybe I am too _In this House of Brede_ (Rumer Godden) in some of my understanding of what it is to be a Benedictine nun. Part of me expects there to be someone standing over me every day to whom I have to make a report. While I realize that is unrealistic, if not just plain silly, it does, I think, indicate a restlessness and a wanting a more of a something I have yet to define.
Restlessness is also apparent in desire for in the flesh community. While I pursue this vocation with my parish home of All Souls, I find myself thinking I need contact with Benedictines. The closest ones I know of are in a community called Prince of Peace Abbey in Vista and I have spent years trying to find out from them when their Oblate meetings are and never get a response. So I have stopped trying. And so have turned to books, as indicated in my Rule. But books are no substitute for communication with those striving to apply the Rule of St. Benedict in daily life,
Yet another Anglican e-mail list I am on is for Anglican Third Order Franciscans. I feel such a connection with them, such a sense of we speak the same language, hold to the same values and share a commitment to the contemplative life that I begin to wonder if my own charism isn’t Franciscan instead of Benedictine. But I do so love the RB. Folks are urging me to contact the Novice Guardians in San Francisco, but the fact remains there are no chapters here in San Diego.
What am I doing? Benedictine? Franciscan? I think I am failing to remember the hard truth that it is hard work and lonely work to be a solitary, independent religious.
A member of AngFran put me in touch with Maggie Ross, Canadian Anglican solitary and author. She wrote something to me I am still mulling over and pondering in this same context:
“You are, by default and mental/physical illness, a solitary.One learns the
solitary life in solitude. It's a hard and lonely road
and the restlessness and the temptation to join something or some group
are perennial temptations to the solitary. They are, however,
temptation and should be treated as such. There is no other way to
progress in the spiritual life except by plunging into solitude (no
matter what one's way of life) and simply being there without doing
anything. (I am speaking metaphorically; of course especially with
depressive illness you need exercise outside every day, maybe twice a
day.)
Solitude is something you can only learn by doing, by plunging right
into its heart and embracing all you are afraid of. RB can't tell you
about it, though I have much admiration for RB. Unfortunately most
Benedictines are so institutionalized that they don't know how to
interpret it any longer. You won't learn anything about RB that you
can't learn from books and even more by simply being honest with
yourself.”
Another avenue I am exploring is closer ties with the Fellowship Charitos. I attach their by-laws. At this time I am a Servant with them. Sr. Molly Hargadine, who heads us the FC, encourages me to seek vocational membership with them. Of course, I am not eligible for this until I have professed First Vows. There are also certain requirements involved. I have told Sr. Molly that I will not go further than Servant until Christie and at least Fr. Mike have read the By-Laws and had their opportunity to question Sr. Molly if necessary. On the Fellowship Charitos e-mail list, I have been appointed Archivist and am in charge of the web site. All I can say is I thank God it is a yahoo site because I don’t know html from the back of my head. Sister Molly is also training me to be a List Moderator so that in case of her absence, I can step in and run the show until her return. This is a very great honor and I fail to see how a blunt, in your face kinda person like I, earned it. But then Christie does continually reassure me that the Body of Christ is in need of the blunt and in your face.
By the way, something about Sister Molly... When I joined this list a few years ago, four or 5, Sr. Molly was Episcopalian. As a result of GC03 she left TEC to join a Continuing Anglican Parish where she was ordained a Deacon. Because that parish was something like 100 miles away from her home and none any closer, she inquired and was recently chrisimated in the Greek Orthodox Church of America. My first reaction when she left TEC was to sign off the list in a huff. In a “I’m not going to fellowship wth one **those** people”attitude but very quickly recognized that in doing so, I would be guilty of the same thing for which I criticized her, and others. Neither Sr. Molly or I are comfortable with where the other is on The Issue, however, we have mutually agreed that we have far more in common than otherwise and have agreed to disagree.
On the physical health front there continue to be challenges. Since my last Ember Day Report in March, I have been told by the pulmonologist to move. My apartment is located 50 feet from the southbound 163 and he is confident that breathing in all this exhaust has been a significant contributor to my pulmonary problems.
Looking for a new place to live has been very discouraging. So far I have failed to locate a suitable location with easy access due to my physical handicap far enough from the freeways where the landlord will accept both Section 8 Rental Assistance and my cats. My search has included Craig's List, the Reader, the Union-Tribune and word of mouth. I have approached parishioners and been referred to others and I understand some inquiries have been made on my behalf. I am ashamed of myself but I confess that there has been sin on my part: judgementalism and name calling in my heart when I have learned that fellow parishioners own rental property and will not accept Section 8, while at the same time actively supporting our work in Kenya. Is there not need right here at home also?
I’ve been struggling to let it go. But the more discouraging it is to look for a place, the harder it is to let go of these ill feelings. And yet, I have never been known to carry a grudge, either. On the other hand, emphysema is in my not too far distant future.
Another issue I keep coming up against regarding moving is how very much I don’t want to live in another apartment and how very deeply I long for a little house with a little yard. I have these whacked out fantasies that a group of parishioners will buy a house within walking distance of the church and I will pay rent to the church, but I realize it is ridiculous to think this way. Now you all know what an idiot I can be.
Every time I start to think about what I am going to say in one of these Ember Day reports, I go through this process, which is getting very old to me now. In fact I am beginning to wonder if it is the work of the enemy, not that I am an Episcopalian who is at all comfortable with the language that says evil is personified and would be interested in a nobody such as I.
The dynamic I struggle with is that in these Ember Day reports, I want to present myself as a finished product, that being a nun “took” and stuck like glue. It is really ridiculous because I have to work through these feelings, if not temptations, to arrive at the same place over and over. I am a novice. By definition, the novitiate is a time of discernment. By definition, when (or would it be more modest to say if?) I make first vows, that period of time is also a time of discernment. And if we all get to the place where I make life vows, it seems to me by definition, that even then it is still a time of discernment. In other words, if we take our Christians walk/talk seriously, it is always going to be discernment. Or, as the Desert Christians would express it “After a lifetime in the cell, I am beginning to be a monk.” So, it’s like, DUH!, dude!! Like every other aspect of the Christian life, being a nun is a journey, a process and none of us will ever see the finished product this side of Heaven.
Another thing that threw me off starting this report in a more timely fashion was General Convention. Since both Bishop and rector were going to be there, I figured they had enough on their plates without my Ember Day report. Unfortunately, I paid some attention to GC06 and my peace was compromised. Along with my ability to pray, read Scripture etc. Instead I wept a lot. In fact, the first Sunday of GC, I found myself weeping off and on through the entire service over one question “Is this the last Sunday I will pray these words, confess my faith and worship the Lord in the Episcopal Church I have known or as part of the Anglican Communion.” Subsequent events proved that, yes, that was the last Sunday of TEC as I have known it for by the following Sunday, dioceses were asking for alternative, non-Episcopalian oversight.
Today my attitude is “I don’t know what’s going on in the wider Communion, despite being connected via the Internet.” The reason I don’t know is because I have stopped paying attention as I can’t see how following the current events will help me live my Rule. More like the opposite. But I daresay someone has to mourn and while I have reached acceptance, I do grieve for my denomination.
In the past, I have mentioned Fellowship Charitos www.fellowshipcharitos.com which is a para-church organization to assist the independent religious with their unusual vocations. On the e-mail list, I posted about my difficulties in prayer over GC and one of us wrote something I would like to share here:
“The first thing however is the obvious. Tears are a gift.
They are a sign of the direct operation of the Holy Spirit
on your soul.
“Now it may be that you think that this usually means
tears - for example - on reading about the crucifixion, or on
hearing a gospel in which a desperate woman pleads with
Our Lord (Help me, Sir!) But it is equally valid as a gift of
compassion and utter self giving for the body of Christ.
In this case it has not a great deal to do with the rights
and wrongs of the debate, but of the perilous state
of the Church's soul in terms of its love and forgiveness.
See how we love one another, whether we fear for the
spiritual state of those on this side or another.
“So oddly enough the first step in such a disturbing
moment is to cry out 'thank you'.
“It is also the second step, in this case, thank you for
the gift of suffering which you have chosen me to bear.”
Another factor that contributed to my delay in starting this was the issue of accountability. I have spoken about this to Christie Fleming, my spiritual director, but I feel no sense of resolution. Rather, I found myself wondering if the people who have agreed to hold me accountable aren’t maybe falling down on that particular job. And then I wonder, what exactly were your expectations, Gloriamarie, and were they sufficiently communicated, because after all, you are writing to some very busy people with demanding jobs? For instance, none of the people who receive my Ember Day reports comment on them in any detail, except Christie. I realize, I had expected comment, guidance, suggestions as a result of my Ember Day letters. Was that an unrealistic expectation, Bishop Mathes, Fr. Mike, Fr. Jim, Mother Gwynn?
Maybe I am too _In this House of Brede_ (Rumer Godden) in some of my understanding of what it is to be a Benedictine nun. Part of me expects there to be someone standing over me every day to whom I have to make a report. While I realize that is unrealistic, if not just plain silly, it does, I think, indicate a restlessness and a wanting a more of a something I have yet to define.
Restlessness is also apparent in desire for in the flesh community. While I pursue this vocation with my parish home of All Souls, I find myself thinking I need contact with Benedictines. The closest ones I know of are in a community called Prince of Peace Abbey in Vista and I have spent years trying to find out from them when their Oblate meetings are and never get a response. So I have stopped trying. And so have turned to books, as indicated in my Rule. But books are no substitute for communication with those striving to apply the Rule of St. Benedict in daily life,
Yet another Anglican e-mail list I am on is for Anglican Third Order Franciscans. I feel such a connection with them, such a sense of we speak the same language, hold to the same values and share a commitment to the contemplative life that I begin to wonder if my own charism isn’t Franciscan instead of Benedictine. But I do so love the RB. Folks are urging me to contact the Novice Guardians in San Francisco, but the fact remains there are no chapters here in San Diego.
What am I doing? Benedictine? Franciscan? I think I am failing to remember the hard truth that it is hard work and lonely work to be a solitary, independent religious.
A member of AngFran put me in touch with Maggie Ross, Canadian Anglican solitary and author. She wrote something to me I am still mulling over and pondering in this same context:
“You are, by default and mental/physical illness, a solitary.One learns the
solitary life in solitude. It's a hard and lonely road
and the restlessness and the temptation to join something or some group
are perennial temptations to the solitary. They are, however,
temptation and should be treated as such. There is no other way to
progress in the spiritual life except by plunging into solitude (no
matter what one's way of life) and simply being there without doing
anything. (I am speaking metaphorically; of course especially with
depressive illness you need exercise outside every day, maybe twice a
day.)
Solitude is something you can only learn by doing, by plunging right
into its heart and embracing all you are afraid of. RB can't tell you
about it, though I have much admiration for RB. Unfortunately most
Benedictines are so institutionalized that they don't know how to
interpret it any longer. You won't learn anything about RB that you
can't learn from books and even more by simply being honest with
yourself.”
Another avenue I am exploring is closer ties with the Fellowship Charitos. I attach their by-laws. At this time I am a Servant with them. Sr. Molly Hargadine, who heads us the FC, encourages me to seek vocational membership with them. Of course, I am not eligible for this until I have professed First Vows. There are also certain requirements involved. I have told Sr. Molly that I will not go further than Servant until Christie and at least Fr. Mike have read the By-Laws and had their opportunity to question Sr. Molly if necessary. On the Fellowship Charitos e-mail list, I have been appointed Archivist and am in charge of the web site. All I can say is I thank God it is a yahoo site because I don’t know html from the back of my head. Sister Molly is also training me to be a List Moderator so that in case of her absence, I can step in and run the show until her return. This is a very great honor and I fail to see how a blunt, in your face kinda person like I, earned it. But then Christie does continually reassure me that the Body of Christ is in need of the blunt and in your face.
By the way, something about Sister Molly... When I joined this list a few years ago, four or 5, Sr. Molly was Episcopalian. As a result of GC03 she left TEC to join a Continuing Anglican Parish where she was ordained a Deacon. Because that parish was something like 100 miles away from her home and none any closer, she inquired and was recently chrisimated in the Greek Orthodox Church of America. My first reaction when she left TEC was to sign off the list in a huff. In a “I’m not going to fellowship wth one **those** people”attitude but very quickly recognized that in doing so, I would be guilty of the same thing for which I criticized her, and others. Neither Sr. Molly or I are comfortable with where the other is on The Issue, however, we have mutually agreed that we have far more in common than otherwise and have agreed to disagree.
On the physical health front there continue to be challenges. Since my last Ember Day Report in March, I have been told by the pulmonologist to move. My apartment is located 50 feet from the southbound 163 and he is confident that breathing in all this exhaust has been a significant contributor to my pulmonary problems.
Looking for a new place to live has been very discouraging. So far I have failed to locate a suitable location with easy access due to my physical handicap far enough from the freeways where the landlord will accept both Section 8 Rental Assistance and my cats. My search has included Craig's List, the Reader, the Union-Tribune and word of mouth. I have approached parishioners and been referred to others and I understand some inquiries have been made on my behalf. I am ashamed of myself but I confess that there has been sin on my part: judgementalism and name calling in my heart when I have learned that fellow parishioners own rental property and will not accept Section 8, while at the same time actively supporting our work in Kenya. Is there not need right here at home also?
I’ve been struggling to let it go. But the more discouraging it is to look for a place, the harder it is to let go of these ill feelings. And yet, I have never been known to carry a grudge, either. On the other hand, emphysema is in my not too far distant future.
Another issue I keep coming up against regarding moving is how very much I don’t want to live in another apartment and how very deeply I long for a little house with a little yard. I have these whacked out fantasies that a group of parishioners will buy a house within walking distance of the church and I will pay rent to the church, but I realize it is ridiculous to think this way. Now you all know what an idiot I can be.
posted by Gloriamarie Amalfitano @ 6:49 PM
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