Even More Thoughts on my Recent Ember Day Letter
Getting tired of my ruminations, yet?
I have been seriously struggling with Benedict's teaching on humility and anyone who knows me will assure you that "humble" is not the first word that comes to mind when they think of me. Indeed I have confessed I don't know how many times my own sin of intellectual arrogance, which I consider a particularly besetting sin and which I grieve over. At the same time, truth must be acknowledge, I enjoy this sin. This is so wrong.
But kicking myself in the butt or slapping myself up side the head are not the ways to achieve metanoia, that true repentance in which we literally turn 180 degrees around and do otherwise. So it occurred to me explore what attaches me to this sin and it's a dreary list indeed: ego; flattery; being right when others are wrong , I could go on and on, but you get the drift.
All of these things obscure the reality of the achievement of earning my advanced education: that sick as i was with depression, a failed marriage, the stress of working at a job I hated but excelled at in order to pay my way through seminary. So i delight in the wrong things instead of thanking God for the grace, strength and ability to earn the education and get brilliant grades too!
But I am too attached to the achievement as well. Yes, it was extraordinary, but get over your fine self already, Gloriamarie, and move on. Sheesh!
Yet I cling to this because it says to me that I will succeed as a nun. I have the "right" theology, "right education", I can read books critically as well as spiritually, fumble my way though Latin and Koine Greek (although isn't it pathetic to be proud of a fumbling knowledge???) So I will be "right". Now there are reasons I won't bore you with here pertaining to childhood and early adulthood that contribute to my need to be 'right' all the time. Mainly because I bored you with that yesterday!!!!!!!! And sadly, correct others, also. Not charming, gracious or hospitable behavior, is it?
The truth is, I am a failure as a nun. First clue: my language is s full of me, myself and I and not Father, Son and Holy Spirit. My language is anecdotal and self-referential. Second clue: starting my novitiate did not make me a better person. Third clue: my Ember Day letters (which you can read on my blog) are full of whining about accountability or community as if i have no responsibility for them. I've gotten so much attention it's gone to my head.
God doesn't call me to succeed as a nun, to be right, educated or anything like that. He calls me to love Him with everything that I am. That and no more. What would success as a nun look like anyway? Holiness, right? What chance do any of us have at "achieving" holiness? None!! we are going to fail at becoming holy. All we can do, it seems to me, is to prepare ourselves as the farmer prepares the field, to allow holiness to use us, come through us. Our seeds are not good deeds, our seeds are the organic goodness we slurry into our fields: loving God, loving neighbor, loving self, keeping in our minds those things which Jesus stressed: feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, caring for the sick, providing for the poor, preaching the Gospel, prayer and meditation, developing the love between God and ourselves and our neighbor. Seeking to do those things which increase love and eliminate from our lives that which decrease it.
And the wonderful surprise is that we are going to fail!!!! And it's ok!!!!!!!!!! God calls us to put our foot on the first rung of the ladder of holiness and seek to get the other foot up on the second rung. which is never going to happen. As Benedict says: Every day we start over again. Starting again every day tells me I am never going to get my foot on that second rung. So I can stop worrying about it. I am free from the need to succeed as a nun and liberated to simply try.
We can detach ourselves from the need to be a success. Because after all, the world measures success in terms of reaching the goal. And our dear Lord defines it as getting up in the morning, hauling up our socks, leaving our egos out of the equation and just getting on with heavenly things, without all that pressure and stress.
Most Holy Lord and Father, I prostrate myself before you in love and obedience and with praise and thanksgiving for showing me what an idiot and ass I've been. I know I make it hard for You to get through. Thank You for persistence. Now I've gone public with this. People are going to hold me accountable and that's ok. It will be uncomfortable maybe, but then, maybe, I need to listen to the uncomfortable words and maybe ignore any uncomfortable language that is used and concentrate on the hearing because it is Your voice speaking through them. You are calling me to give up my right not to be hurt, my right to be right because when I fight those battles, it is my ego at work and not your Holy Spirit.
I have been seriously struggling with Benedict's teaching on humility and anyone who knows me will assure you that "humble" is not the first word that comes to mind when they think of me. Indeed I have confessed I don't know how many times my own sin of intellectual arrogance, which I consider a particularly besetting sin and which I grieve over. At the same time, truth must be acknowledge, I enjoy this sin. This is so wrong.
But kicking myself in the butt or slapping myself up side the head are not the ways to achieve metanoia, that true repentance in which we literally turn 180 degrees around and do otherwise. So it occurred to me explore what attaches me to this sin and it's a dreary list indeed: ego; flattery; being right when others are wrong , I could go on and on, but you get the drift.
All of these things obscure the reality of the achievement of earning my advanced education: that sick as i was with depression, a failed marriage, the stress of working at a job I hated but excelled at in order to pay my way through seminary. So i delight in the wrong things instead of thanking God for the grace, strength and ability to earn the education and get brilliant grades too!
But I am too attached to the achievement as well. Yes, it was extraordinary, but get over your fine self already, Gloriamarie, and move on. Sheesh!
Yet I cling to this because it says to me that I will succeed as a nun. I have the "right" theology, "right education", I can read books critically as well as spiritually, fumble my way though Latin and Koine Greek (although isn't it pathetic to be proud of a fumbling knowledge???) So I will be "right". Now there are reasons I won't bore you with here pertaining to childhood and early adulthood that contribute to my need to be 'right' all the time. Mainly because I bored you with that yesterday!!!!!!!! And sadly, correct others, also. Not charming, gracious or hospitable behavior, is it?
The truth is, I am a failure as a nun. First clue: my language is s full of me, myself and I and not Father, Son and Holy Spirit. My language is anecdotal and self-referential. Second clue: starting my novitiate did not make me a better person. Third clue: my Ember Day letters (which you can read on my blog) are full of whining about accountability or community as if i have no responsibility for them. I've gotten so much attention it's gone to my head.
God doesn't call me to succeed as a nun, to be right, educated or anything like that. He calls me to love Him with everything that I am. That and no more. What would success as a nun look like anyway? Holiness, right? What chance do any of us have at "achieving" holiness? None!! we are going to fail at becoming holy. All we can do, it seems to me, is to prepare ourselves as the farmer prepares the field, to allow holiness to use us, come through us. Our seeds are not good deeds, our seeds are the organic goodness we slurry into our fields: loving God, loving neighbor, loving self, keeping in our minds those things which Jesus stressed: feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, caring for the sick, providing for the poor, preaching the Gospel, prayer and meditation, developing the love between God and ourselves and our neighbor. Seeking to do those things which increase love and eliminate from our lives that which decrease it.
And the wonderful surprise is that we are going to fail!!!! And it's ok!!!!!!!!!! God calls us to put our foot on the first rung of the ladder of holiness and seek to get the other foot up on the second rung. which is never going to happen. As Benedict says: Every day we start over again. Starting again every day tells me I am never going to get my foot on that second rung. So I can stop worrying about it. I am free from the need to succeed as a nun and liberated to simply try.
We can detach ourselves from the need to be a success. Because after all, the world measures success in terms of reaching the goal. And our dear Lord defines it as getting up in the morning, hauling up our socks, leaving our egos out of the equation and just getting on with heavenly things, without all that pressure and stress.
Most Holy Lord and Father, I prostrate myself before you in love and obedience and with praise and thanksgiving for showing me what an idiot and ass I've been. I know I make it hard for You to get through. Thank You for persistence. Now I've gone public with this. People are going to hold me accountable and that's ok. It will be uncomfortable maybe, but then, maybe, I need to listen to the uncomfortable words and maybe ignore any uncomfortable language that is used and concentrate on the hearing because it is Your voice speaking through them. You are calling me to give up my right not to be hurt, my right to be right because when I fight those battles, it is my ego at work and not your Holy Spirit.
posted by Gloriamarie Amalfitano @ 2:27 PM
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